Empty

You ask me how I am. And I try to change the subject, because I don't want to answer. Don't want to hurt more. Don't want to be stuck in the loop where you make me feel worse about myself because I feel bad. Like, hey, STAY POSITIVE. What the fuck do I have to be positive about right now? I'm sorry I misunderstood you leaning on me for company and support and caring as wanting a relationship with me. Sorry you never managed to do the one thing I asked of you, which was to fucking tell me that you didn't want to try dating me. Sorry that now you're going through stuff, and I'm not there for you, and that "every time we talk it devolves into this shit".. I'm sorry, because I don't want to be in a shitty dark place right now, but this is where I am. Do you want me to lie to you? Because I can totally start doing that. I'm good at that, good at not showing how much in pain I am. You said that I didn't break the relationship we had, but the truth is, I think I did. I know you don't actually want to see the real me now. You just want that shiny person who worships you and entertains you and takes care of you when you're sick. That selfless, empty drone.

It's ok. I can be that. I am empty, anyway.

There's nothing left in me. I'm so heartbroken.

Even people who say they love me don't want to hear this stuff. They don't want to hear how hard it was to go to work on Mother's day and see all the shiny happy mother posts on facebook. All the babies I'll never have, the love I'll never get to experience. They all get to have those things, and I never will, because I'm this broken, ugly, empty thing.

I never realized that I was such a sacrifice for you. That spending time with me took away from all the other things you want in your life. Didn't realize that I was this burden.

of course, I should have.

should have realized that nobody really wants me around.

is it always going to be this way?

Like, right now, I'm sitting here writing this, tears rolling down my face. In pain.

And in the other window, I'm asking you how you are, giving you support with your family things. of course, you say you don't need support, but frankly, that's delusional bullshit. I don't think you realize how often in recent months you've turned to me for exactly that. You message me at 7 am when you need it, there have been days where instead of doing what I wanted to do, I drove over to you to make you feel better. Brought you drugs, whatever. Or I sat and listened to you rant for hours.

I get it. You don't need emotional support, because you don't realize that you're fucking getting it.

But I don't get it, so it becomes obvious when I'm asking for it. Trying to get it. Even though I don't seem to deserve it.  Even other people, I asked for help, and I get forgotten about.

I'm heartbroken.
I'm lonely.
I don't see the point of doing this anymore.

I asked you to back off, because I can't be that for you right now..


And you don't want to be that for me.

Nobody does.

I'm seriously considering ending my life.
I'm not sure that I can ever make it out of this hole I'm in.
I can't continue my life this alone. I just can't.
Nobody I ask for help seems to want to help me.

I just wish I was high on someone's priority list just once in my life. High for me, not their own personal use, abuse or gratification. I wish someone just wanted to sit down with me, and help me figure out how to be happy, because they wanted to.
Because they cared about me for a second, more than they cared about someone else.

Is it too much to ask, for just a second of caring?

A second of time where someone thought "how can I make her happy?"

and it didn't involve their wallet

All I see before me is a series of empty, soulless days.

Nobody to come home to. Nobody to go places with.
Nobody to take care of. Nobody to love.
Nobody.
Just me, coming home to me.

And I don't even like myself.

Why would anyone else?

Maybe if I take a knife to a vein.. then someone would care.

Maybe someone would shed a tear for me.

I don't know.

I think their tears would be for them. Guilt, maybe. I'm not sure there would be anyone really really sad if I died.

Maybe my parents.. but then, I think it's still about them.

Why should I keep trying so hard to get nowhere?
Work so hard to be hated and reviled and loathed and ALONE?

I'm still trying to be there for you and you've disappeared again.

Whatever.

I'll disappear soon too, I think.