Another birthday

Another day spent celebrating my existence alone.

Sometimes, it seems too hard to keep going.

To just accept that I'm alone again, that there is nobody out there I can trust, nobody to take care of me when I feel lost and alone. just more people to use me as they will for whatever needs they have..

while mine go unmet. again.

is it so hard to just BE HERE?

You don't know me..

When I talk about my life online sometimes, or with therapists or whatever, I find I run into the same problem a lot.

 I get generic advice, when I'm a very specific person. When you talk about dating, having emotional and physical needs, people tell you to "be happy with yourself, love yourself, respect yourself" etc.

It completely ignores the social aspects of humanity - we need other people. We need them in order to be able to function properly, literally in order to survive. There's a reason that babies who aren't hugged or held enough often get sick and die - failure to thrive.. We are literally hardwired to need other human contact. When you tell someone to be single, to work on themselves, to be happy alone, you're telling them that those needs don't deserve to be met, that those needs aren't important. That you don't need someone to hold, or someone to have sex with that isn't just a casual partner or one night stand. That you don't need someone who cares how your day was, whether it was good or bad. That trust and intimacy is something you should somehow be able to fulfill by yourself...


Not to mention there are a whole bunch of things that being single denies you - our society is dependent on the social structure of partnership. It's literally cheaper to be in a couple, everything is. If I want to go on vacation, I have to book a hotel room for one person, on one income (for which I'm taxed at a higher rate than if I was married).. if I rent a place, again, I have one income per bedroom, unless I want to do the really awful thing of sharing a room with a non-intimate partner. When I buy food, it's often portioned for families or couples. If I'm out of work, I don't have someone else to help me get by, I just have me. If I had a child, childcare would be my sole responsibility.

All these things get ignored by people who tell you to be happy alone before you're happy in a relationship. They give you canned advice, which really is a judgment saying "if you're not completely happy alone, you don't deserve to be happy in a relationship.. because your needs aren't actually important, what you need you should magically find by yourself.. "

I've been single for a decade. In that time, I've gone from having no career to being moderately successful in one, with a degree and a job in my field. I've been to therapy. I've worked hard to know myself better, to understand my personal needs better, to figure out what exactly I'm looking for. I've been on so many dates. I've met so many people, done so many things.

At what point do I become worthy of the social construct almost everyone else seems to have? At what point am I someone who deserves a partner in my life? Never? I'm almost 40, and my longest relationship STILL was the awful marriage I had at 21.

Blah blah, respect yourself, love yourself.. yeah... when do I get to have what everyone else does?

Open relationships

I haven't been seeking open relationships out. Have actively been avoiding them, to be honest. But suddenly I seem to be in at least one, if not two, poly relationships.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. Both of the people are very cool, very respectful of me, and sweet to me.

And I know that I have no sexual jealousy.. but I know that I'm nobody's first priority. Nobody's primary.. I still sleep alone most nights. I still don't have someone that I can talk to all the time. It's weird, because I feel quite emotionally attached.. but the reciprocation isn't necessarily there.

another one bites the dust

bye G.

you seemed like a nice guy. sorry you had your own shit to deal with that meant I couldn't stick around.

I just feel so unimportant. You kept emphasizing how little time we had spent together, as if a count of days or hours means anything. I bared my soul to you, because you asked it of me, because you said that was what you wanted.. so now that I did, I feel empty. rejected. There's nothing left of me.

Another year

Another perfect crime

in the pantomime that is my life. But the show must go on, right? So now I have a decent job, an ok place to live

but I'm still alone.

Date me, don't date me. Love me, don't love me. What do I care? And the answer is. I don't.

i can't care anymore
this is it
the last try.


I've said that before, I know. but this time it feels real. Feels like I should just never hope again. I'm 37. Old. Dried up. Who wants what I am?

Nobody.
I give up.

Can't try. Anymore.

Fuck

I'm crying about you again.

Ok.

I'm crying and it sucks, because I've been doing ok. I've been coping better with life, lately.

But hearing that you fucked around with my friend, that hurts.

I mean, seriously. You could fuck around with what, 5 billion people, approx? And you chose the only one I introduced you to? My only friend that you knew?

How is that not personal?

Everyone wants me to react like a grownup.

Yeah. I can do that.

But here, alone, I'm crying again.

I don't even know why you can still hurt me. Why should I care? I guess I care because it feels like you're doing it on purpose to hurt me.

I don't usually get upset much.. most of the time I can understand people's actions, and if I can understand it, mostly it doesn't hurt.

But the only framework I have with which to process that, is that you're both trying to hurt me. Or at least, both deciding that hurting me wasn't as important as getting off.

Or that maybe I'm just this robot person, without feelings.

I wish I was.

I wish that this didn't hurt me. Again. I wish I could remove your power to hurt me. I thought I had.

I'd cut you out of my life as much as I could.

Everything that kills me.. just kills me.

Today

Today you threatened me

there are times in BOTH of our lives where we sometimes have to put things either on hold or pause for someone else. if that person is going through an ABSOLUTLE FUCKING NIGHTMARE, then we pause and wait and just be avaialble.

. i will say this once and if you EVER mention taking your life, JUST AFTER MY FATHER LOSING HIS, i will call 911 and NEVER speak to you again

I CAN NOT TELL YOU HOW FUCKING OFFENSIVE AND HORRIBLE IT IS TO LISTEN TO YOU TALK ABOUT TAKING YOUR OWN LIFE.

YOU DONT EVEN SEE IT

YOU WANT FUCKED UP

HOW ABOUT SAYING THAT TO SOMEONE WHO JUST LOST A PARENT

THINK ABOUT IT

THEN TELL ME WHO IS MAKING THINGS ABOUT WHO

IM DONE LISTENING TO YOU TALK ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF

IM DONE

How offensive it is for me to say this? How offensive do you think it is for me to FEEL this and have you tear me apart for it.

I'm sorry I'm not Pausing and Waiting and just being available to you.

I JUST WANT TO DIE.
I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I don't want to be isolated in a world that really just doesn't GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME.

Nobody calls. Nobody texts. Nobody writes. Nobody asks me how I am and wants the truth. I'm in the blackest of black despair. There are needles in my heart, a storm in my head, and the only thing I can feel is pain.

Every day I fake it. I fake being ok, because That's what I'm supposed to do.

And meanwhile, every night, I cry. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I drink, I cry, I think about what the most foolproof way to kill myself would be.

And you say how offensive it is.

Yeah. to me too.

I don't get to choose differently. fuck. I wish I could. I wish I could get to choose to have someone hold me when it gets this bad. To sit there and listen to me when I cry out in pain.

instead I just have to hide it away to even get the slightest bit of acceptance.

why can't anyone help me?