Another day spent celebrating my existence alone.
Sometimes, it seems too hard to keep going.
To just accept that I'm alone again, that there is nobody out there I can trust, nobody to take care of me when I feel lost and alone. just more people to use me as they will for whatever needs they have..
while mine go unmet. again.
is it so hard to just BE HERE?
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
You don't know me..
When I talk about my life online sometimes, or with therapists or whatever, I find I run into the same problem a lot.
I get generic advice, when I'm a very specific person. When you talk about dating, having emotional and physical needs, people tell you to "be happy with yourself, love yourself, respect yourself" etc.
It completely ignores the social aspects of humanity - we need other people. We need them in order to be able to function properly, literally in order to survive. There's a reason that babies who aren't hugged or held enough often get sick and die - failure to thrive.. We are literally hardwired to need other human contact. When you tell someone to be single, to work on themselves, to be happy alone, you're telling them that those needs don't deserve to be met, that those needs aren't important. That you don't need someone to hold, or someone to have sex with that isn't just a casual partner or one night stand. That you don't need someone who cares how your day was, whether it was good or bad. That trust and intimacy is something you should somehow be able to fulfill by yourself...
Not to mention there are a whole bunch of things that being single denies you - our society is dependent on the social structure of partnership. It's literally cheaper to be in a couple, everything is. If I want to go on vacation, I have to book a hotel room for one person, on one income (for which I'm taxed at a higher rate than if I was married).. if I rent a place, again, I have one income per bedroom, unless I want to do the really awful thing of sharing a room with a non-intimate partner. When I buy food, it's often portioned for families or couples. If I'm out of work, I don't have someone else to help me get by, I just have me. If I had a child, childcare would be my sole responsibility.
All these things get ignored by people who tell you to be happy alone before you're happy in a relationship. They give you canned advice, which really is a judgment saying "if you're not completely happy alone, you don't deserve to be happy in a relationship.. because your needs aren't actually important, what you need you should magically find by yourself.. "
I've been single for a decade. In that time, I've gone from having no career to being moderately successful in one, with a degree and a job in my field. I've been to therapy. I've worked hard to know myself better, to understand my personal needs better, to figure out what exactly I'm looking for. I've been on so many dates. I've met so many people, done so many things.
At what point do I become worthy of the social construct almost everyone else seems to have? At what point am I someone who deserves a partner in my life? Never? I'm almost 40, and my longest relationship STILL was the awful marriage I had at 21.
Blah blah, respect yourself, love yourself.. yeah... when do I get to have what everyone else does?
I get generic advice, when I'm a very specific person. When you talk about dating, having emotional and physical needs, people tell you to "be happy with yourself, love yourself, respect yourself" etc.
It completely ignores the social aspects of humanity - we need other people. We need them in order to be able to function properly, literally in order to survive. There's a reason that babies who aren't hugged or held enough often get sick and die - failure to thrive.. We are literally hardwired to need other human contact. When you tell someone to be single, to work on themselves, to be happy alone, you're telling them that those needs don't deserve to be met, that those needs aren't important. That you don't need someone to hold, or someone to have sex with that isn't just a casual partner or one night stand. That you don't need someone who cares how your day was, whether it was good or bad. That trust and intimacy is something you should somehow be able to fulfill by yourself...
Not to mention there are a whole bunch of things that being single denies you - our society is dependent on the social structure of partnership. It's literally cheaper to be in a couple, everything is. If I want to go on vacation, I have to book a hotel room for one person, on one income (for which I'm taxed at a higher rate than if I was married).. if I rent a place, again, I have one income per bedroom, unless I want to do the really awful thing of sharing a room with a non-intimate partner. When I buy food, it's often portioned for families or couples. If I'm out of work, I don't have someone else to help me get by, I just have me. If I had a child, childcare would be my sole responsibility.
All these things get ignored by people who tell you to be happy alone before you're happy in a relationship. They give you canned advice, which really is a judgment saying "if you're not completely happy alone, you don't deserve to be happy in a relationship.. because your needs aren't actually important, what you need you should magically find by yourself.. "
I've been single for a decade. In that time, I've gone from having no career to being moderately successful in one, with a degree and a job in my field. I've been to therapy. I've worked hard to know myself better, to understand my personal needs better, to figure out what exactly I'm looking for. I've been on so many dates. I've met so many people, done so many things.
At what point do I become worthy of the social construct almost everyone else seems to have? At what point am I someone who deserves a partner in my life? Never? I'm almost 40, and my longest relationship STILL was the awful marriage I had at 21.
Blah blah, respect yourself, love yourself.. yeah... when do I get to have what everyone else does?
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Open relationships
I haven't been seeking open relationships out. Have actively been avoiding them, to be honest. But suddenly I seem to be in at least one, if not two, poly relationships.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. Both of the people are very cool, very respectful of me, and sweet to me.
And I know that I have no sexual jealousy.. but I know that I'm nobody's first priority. Nobody's primary.. I still sleep alone most nights. I still don't have someone that I can talk to all the time. It's weird, because I feel quite emotionally attached.. but the reciprocation isn't necessarily there.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. Both of the people are very cool, very respectful of me, and sweet to me.
And I know that I have no sexual jealousy.. but I know that I'm nobody's first priority. Nobody's primary.. I still sleep alone most nights. I still don't have someone that I can talk to all the time. It's weird, because I feel quite emotionally attached.. but the reciprocation isn't necessarily there.
Friday, January 2, 2015
another one bites the dust
bye G.
you seemed like a nice guy. sorry you had your own shit to deal with that meant I couldn't stick around.
I just feel so unimportant. You kept emphasizing how little time we had spent together, as if a count of days or hours means anything. I bared my soul to you, because you asked it of me, because you said that was what you wanted.. so now that I did, I feel empty. rejected. There's nothing left of me.
you seemed like a nice guy. sorry you had your own shit to deal with that meant I couldn't stick around.
I just feel so unimportant. You kept emphasizing how little time we had spent together, as if a count of days or hours means anything. I bared my soul to you, because you asked it of me, because you said that was what you wanted.. so now that I did, I feel empty. rejected. There's nothing left of me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)